I Have Had Many Difficult Bosses...

I have had many difficult bosses. They were difficult for different reasons. I have had bosses that basically did not do much and other bosses that I would describe as black holes—requests for feedback and actions went in but never came out. That can raise the frustration level of anybody who is goal oriented and focused on problem-solving like me! If you experience bosses like this, you have to force yourself not to care about the work which is hard when you DO care about the work. I have also had bosses that are bullies and tell lies.

In all cases, no matter what the nature of the difficult boss, you must manage yourself to survive. This means always being constructive and positive even when you do not feel that way.  A calm and firm presence is necessary, one that does not engage the larger community in your challenges. One wise person once said to me—you can only care as much as those above you. In other words, if the person or board above your boss is not worried about the behavior or management style of your boss, then this is not your responsibility. You do not need to take on the burden of saving the organization. It is not your burden to carry.

A boss who is a bully or does not tell the truth is a particular challenge. One way you can take on bullying and lies involves just being inquisitive—”so help me understand…” or “where would I find evidence of that?” I think gracious inquisitiveness always helps keep you in some control in an uncontrollable space. Lies often take the form of spreading rumors that are used to make you feel like you are standing on quick sand and not able to find solid ground. One way this plays out is in a boss attributing negative comments about you as coming from a colleague. The response?  Discipline yourself to only believe what was told to you directly from that colleague and set aside the comments from the boss. If it is a trustworthy colleague, you can talk to them directly and start to build a culture of truth around the boss that lies. Be aware of the fact that this does not solve the problem of the culture that is being developed—rumors and untruths cause everyone to spend time trying to trace the various threads of the tapestry of the lies to find the true base line of reality. In the meantime, work does not get done and teams are not built.

I have always used the principles of transparency with no secrets as a practice. Bullies and those that lie use secrets to control. One strategy you can use to maintain your integrity is to be transparent about what the boss has said to you personally, but do this in the presence of the entire team, including the boss—I call that laying things on the table. Do warn your colleagues that the meeting might get a bit uncomfortable. When you use this strategy, you build a culture of no secrets within the leadership team.

Planned off-site meetings can also be helpful for a variety of types of difficult bosses. Set aside a time to meet your boss off site for lunch and have a clear script written out for yourself so that you make sure you are clear and constructive. You then also have a record of what you said. Summarize it in an email afterword.

Finally, you need to delineate the line that you will not cross. Having a difficult boss is like being a frog in a pot with water that is on the burner and warming up. You need to define for yourself what the line in the sand looks like before the water is too hot. What would fundamentally undermine your sense of integrity or well-being? Discerning the nature of this line and whether you have crossed it is a spiritual discipline and is why remaining grounded in the faith and in spiritual disciplines is needed when you are in these situations. Start the day in prayer and meditation when you have a difficult boss. And have a few confidential and wise friends to consult.

As you become disciplined in presenting a calm and firm presence that is grounded in truth-telling, living out of your spiritual center and living with integrity, your difficult boss may become more frustrated. Be ready for tensions to increase as you become stronger.

If you need to look after yourself and negotiate an exit package, clearly define and articulate what you need for the transition. Difficult bosses often find it difficult to own their own decisions, so they may be open to negotiating an exit that appears to be a win-win for both.

Two pieces of advice from friends and mentors:  Keep your bags packed.  Always, always, leave well.